The Pican Dialogue Part #1
Paul Nachbar

The following dialogue was heard at the planet called Pico, approximately 1.8 million light years from Earth,, as such 
things are measured there. 

Vavi: Halvak, please come to bed! 
Halvak: But I am WORKING. Have things to do. 
Vavi: We finished all the work we had to 
do hours ago..well, come to bed and we'll 
have some fun..like we used to ! 
Halvak: Shhh! Please.. 
Vavi: Okay, work is work, even though this 
sort of thing seems more like a hobby 
and an eccentric one at that! Uch! With 
billions of planets to chose to focus 
your attentions on, whats your obsession 
with that little blue and green one, 
what'cha ya call it again?? 
Halvak: Earth! Please shut up, darling! 
I'm trying to concentrate.. 
Vavi: Earth, Shmurth! A small, somewhat 
backward with a highly unstable population 
of faintly civilized bipeds..what could 
be so interesting about THAT! Come down 
to Pico, that other stuff is , well.. 
Halvak: I find them interesting, they're 
slightly different than the other ones 
kind of cute? Come on here for a sec, 
okay hon? 
Vavi: Yes, yes..I'm coming..now what is 
it exactly?? 
Halvak: A little blip on the screen - see! 
Vavi: What? Oh. Yeah. I don't see anything 
special about - 
Halvak: Not THAT screen -the psychodynamic 
indicator..there was a slight blip a 
moment ago.. 
Vavi: Ah yes, ah yes..well so what? 
Halvak: Well, then that's hopeful. 
Vavi: For whom? Us. 
Halvak: No, um, not - 
Vavi: Then what significance is it for 
anyone what happens there?? 
Halvak: Well, for THEM! 
Vavi: Darling, these obsessions can't be 
too good for you..Oh, when is the Point 
of Rendez-Vous again? My sense of time 
is so bad when I get...horney!! (ha ha) 
Halvak: Oh, you devil you, stop! Six 
months...alas, for them, in their terms, 
that would be approximately three 
billion years, millions of generations 
according to their biological clocks... 
Vavi: How very, very sad!!! Who cares? 
Let's go to bed and do something.. 
more important, hm?? 
Halvak: Well, I care... 
Vavi: Such a sweet, sad sentimentalist you 
are, darling..Okay, why exactly do you 
care about such trivial pursuits as 
this Shmurth observation? 
Halvak: Because there was a brief surge 
in planetary optimism.. 
Vavi: So what? 
Halvak: They have been having a very, very 
rough time lately..I feel awful for them. 
Vavi: So, in six months -or three billion 
of their so-called "earth-years" they'll 
have a slightly better time. Meanwhile 
what about us?? 
Halvak: You are so selfish and egotistical, 
I have no idea why I ever married you! 
Vavi: Because you asked to me, silly.. 
Halvak: AH! 
VaviL RIght? 
Halvak: Yes, once in awhile. Okay, listen.. 
go freshen the bed a bit and I'll be 
back in fifteen minutes. We can do what 
a bit of what we did last weekend... 
Vavil: Yessir ma'am! Yessiree bobbee! Rise 
and shine!!! 
Halvak: Oh,men...always the same thing.. 
all the time...wherever you go. 
Vavil: I heard that!!! 

The Pican Dialogue Part #2 
Paul Nachbar


Havlak: So...Vavi..what did he say? 
Vavi: Well, it was somewhat unexpected.. 
Havlak: Vavi, dear?? What did HE say? 
Vavi: Okay, it was complicated. I told 
The Master we needed some help with 
other lives and explained the 
circumstances. You know - 
Havlak: Yes, of course..things are awful 
in this part of Pico. 
Vavi: Are you sure awful is the most 
appropriate word, dear? This might 
be regarded as "awfulizing" behavior.. 
Havlak: Oh, okay. You're right. THIS 
TIME I certainly did protest too much. 
Things are never awful on Pico, which 
in itself can be a type of awfulness.. 
Vavi: Dear.... 
Havlak: All right, I'll shut up:) 
What did HE SAY?? 
Vavi: Well, I told him that relative to 
many other Picans, we were kind of 
from the...wrong side of the track.. 
Havlak: Vavi, Vavi, I hate when you 
use those obscure literary phrases.. 
Vavi: Dear?? 
Havlak: Okay.. 
Vavi: Dear...??? 
Havlak: I'm sorry, Vavi. I know there's 
really no money any longer in the 
sciences since everything that can 
be discovered has already been 
discovered so I respect your practicality 
and... 
Vavi: And....? 
Havlak: Attempt to display self-sacrificing 
behavior not entirely natural to 
the genome of the Pican male.. 
Vavi: Very well..we need the money, dear.. 
Alas, we must be practical and 
survive off , well, 'literature". 
Anyway, the phrase means, and it is 
very, very ancient - I am not even 
sure what a 'track' exactly is... 
it means..coming from a bad place. 
Havlak: SO?? 
Vavi: The Master asked me, and here I 
quote though I do not fully understand: 
" Vavi, my son: are you quite certain 
that there is indeed a right side 
and a wrong side to the track?" 
Havlak: What did he mean? Is he going to 
help us? 
Vavi: THis must be ESP. I asked him the 
same question. He smiled and smiled, 
as The Master is prone to do and 
just said, "well, you gotta think 
about it for awhile.." 
Havlak: THINK ABOUT IT?? What did he 
mean 'think about it?' Our situation 
is obvious! Look what the Fumbitlles 
have; look what the Ed3+10-3 have... 
and at their age too..while we still 
have absolutely nothing in life 
with all our hard work.. 
Vavi: Havvie....??? 
Havlak: All our ..hard work?? What was 
wrong with that dear? 
Vavi: The ridiculous insertion of that 
truly outdated phase 'work' - where 
in the world did you pick that one 
up!!! 
Havlak: Well, dear, I did have a perfect 
score on the Verbal Section of the 
Scholastic Aptitude Test.. 
Vavi: And haven't I heard that a million, 
million times about your perfect score 
of 8000 points...I'm not criticizing 
dear..just saying...well what else is 
new? 
Havlak: Well, I certainly beat you, 
you arrogant man! 
Vavi: Well, yes, dear, I am extremely 
ashamed by my lowly score of 7300 
points but what of it... 
Havlak: You know I was only joking.. 
Vavi: Oh Havlak, what am I going to do 
with you! That's just like saying, 
'You know I was only giving you 
the elementary version of the 
formula for the generation of 
multiple universes..' Obvious, 
the emotions all completely understood.. 
and 
Havlak: I'm not making any sense? 
Vavi: Well.... 
Havlak: Are you trying to say that I'm 
stupid because I only got 6000 
points on the mathematics section?? 
Vavi: Havlak...you're being 
Havlak: Yes I'm being manipulative 
you know and I know that I'm being 
manipulative and I knew that you would 
know I was being manipulative.. 
Vavi: Too many words, here. I have 
a great deal of respect for your 
verbal abilities..but the math.. 
Havlak: YOu mean...I need some help? 
Vavi: Well, maybe. I am not questioning 
your indisputable and inherent 
status of perfection as a citizen 
of Pico, dear, but we do have 
a problem to solve now..what did 
THe Master mean?? 
Havlak We might.. 
Vavi: Yes, yes! 
Havlak: We might actually have to think 
about this a little. 
Vavi: Could be fun? 
Havlak: What could? 
Vavi: THINKING, dear.. 
Havlak: Umm.. 
Vavi: After debasing ourselves with 
hundreds upon hundreds of years of 
prolonged, tender yet mutually 
orgasmic sexual intercourse... a bit 
of thinking might be nice, eh? 
Havlak: Vavi!! 
Vavi: What, dear? 
Havlak: That actually sound like it 
could be fun??? 

The Pican Dialogue Part #3 
Paul Nachbar

TDDM: The Master has spoken! 
TDDE: When, what did he say? 
TDDM: The usual cryptic utterances... 
TDDE: I was afraid of that..It took us 
38 years to translate his last 
major pronouncements. All one gets 
most years is the usual nod of 
approval or the frown. 
TDDM: Oh! The Frown! Please don't remind 
me of the Master's Frown! The last 
time I saw that..! 
TDDE: Let us try to get beyond the past, 
TDDM. That was a long time ago. Maybe 
this time we can do better? 
TDDM: I certainly hope so! 
TDDE: Then what did he say? 
TDDM: I shall endeavor to repeat it 
word for word. Or perhaps this is 
syllable by syllable? I'm not sure- 
the Master is so erratic! 
TDDE: Beware TDDE! He might not be 
pleased by such remarks..though 
certainly punishment is out of the 
question, given his civilized habits... 
But what did he say? 
TDDM: Here it is: 

G M U A 
S M U A! 
H K U A! 
D F U Y K U A! 
D B M U A! 
I L Y T Y A...:) 

TDDE: And then The Master...smiled? 
TDDM: Yes, he smiled! 
TDDE: But what did the smile mean?? 
TDDM: Who could tell? Personally, I am 
at the bottom of the pyramid of 
brilliant people.. 
TDDE: As we well know.. 
TDDM: Look like we've got our work cut 
out for us!! 
TDDE: TD-M, as one functionary to another, you 
must admit that this is a somewhat boring 
activity, watching over The Master like this.. 
TDDM: Certainly, though perhaps - 
TDDE: Perhaps what, TD-M? 
TDDM: Perhaps a very important one? 
TDDE: What are you saying TDDM, that one 
activity has more importance than another? 
TDDM: Well, it doesn't look that way, does it? 
TDDE: Then, what would you do, TD-M, I mean, 
if you could do anything you wanted to do? 
TDDM: Hm, probably end up doing the same thing. 
I mean, it IS very nice outside- 
TDDE: Yes, it certainly is. Why don't we just 
go out then? Nobody would notice. 
TDDM: Well, I'm not sure that's such a good idea.. 
TD-E. 
TDDE: Why not? The suns are shining in all their 
glory, the skies are infinite, the trees 
are waving back and forth and singing in 
the breeze, emitting their fine perfumes 
and I think I see Bryannee1 past yonder 
mountain, sunning herself. Attractive 
vista, is she not? 
TDDM: TD-E! 
TDDE: What...oh I'm sorry. I supposed I was 
being immature again. I'm sorry TDDM.. 
forgive me. 
TDDM: Well, this time.. 
TDDE: But why MUST we be here? It's not 
a particularly pleasant structure we're in, 
although the temperature is certainly 
quite pleasant. Even the walls are not 
a particulary nice color - off-white, beige, 
greyish-white, a kind of greyish brown, 
yellowish white, yellowish grey... 
TDDM: So what would you have us do? Splash 
rainbow colors all over the walls now? 
This is a dignified place here and you 
have an important job for somebody so 
young! So if you can't act your age, 
then at least act your POSITION. 
TDDE: Okay, I'm sorry. Once again, once again 
I am sorry. Okay? 
TDDM: Well, then, TDDE, this is a function 
with historical significance. 
TDDE: His whaticial significance, TD-M? 
TDDM: HISTORICAL, you ninny! HISTORICAL. Um, 
looks as if you don't know that word, 
do you? 
TDDE: They did mention it in school a few times 
TD-M..ah yes, I remember: History, an 
obsolete, philosophically ungrounded 
method of synthesizing under one apparant 
authorial voice a narration of chronological 
events as well as that sociology, economics, 
and biology which were the contributing 
factors to those events..But wasn't this 
study kind of obsolete? Before 
Psychosociology? 
TDDM: Well- 
TDDE: Tell me the truth TDDM. What's the point 
to so-called history? We have the different 
"points of view" of events and that 
social science which can determine which 
should be considered most accurate on 
the basis of different truth/falsehood 
ratios. Plus, of course, the self- 
corrective authoritorial statements 
regarding the probabilities of such and 
such an event, as well as, of course, 
those lessons which we may learn regarding 
the glorious though formerly tragic 
history of our own species during the 
many millenia of its evolution.. 
All of which is just kinda..obvious.. 
right? 
TDDM: Oh poor TDDE, such tripe they teach you 
these days in school! 
TDDE: Tripe?? Hey, a lot of my friends did 
very well off such tripe! Be careful 
what you say! I mean, my teacher said- 
TDDM: TDDE!!! 
TDDE: What?? 
TDDM: Did you believe everything your teachers 
told you about things? 
TDDE: Well of course I did! Well, maybe not! 
But what's your point here: you're going 
in circles. 
TDDM: Well, young friend, all of Pico is going 
in circles, isn't it? 
TDDE: Ellipses, TD-M, NOT circles. Ellipses 
are a far more complex form, with an 
entirely different equation. Don't you 
remember that? That's pre-kindergarten 
material! I think TDDM that you ARE 
getting old! 
TDDM: Okay, ellipses, then. I was wrong. I too 
can be wrong, okay? Get it! But I did not 
forget my history..or don't you want to 
know about The Master? 
TDDE: Maybe I don't! 
TDDM: Fine. I don't really care if you do or 
not. Whether you know or not will probably 
not change anything, will it? 
TDDE: Well, nothing that anybody knows can 
change anything, that's obvious! But you 
piqued my curiousity. So if you want to 
tell me All About The Master go ahead! 
I'm all ears. And besides (goes up to 
containment tank and knocks once gently 
against the side), it looks as if the 
Master is asleep, not that that would 
matter, would it?? 
TDDM: Okay, I WILL tell you about The Master. 
I mean, we haven't talked about stuff 
like that ever and how long have we been 
in this position? 
TDDE: Too long! 
TDDM: TDDE, you're the mathematician between 
us. I'm asking you seriously? 
TDDE: Okay, if you flatter my talent. Approx- 
imately four hundred revolutions of the 
Pican sun. Is that good enough for you? 
TDDM: Perfect! A very long time. Now, tell me 
one thing, have you ever heard any rumors 
about the, hm, sanity, of The Master? 
TDDE: TDDM, you're going to get us into trouble! 
TDDM: No, no, no, that's not the point. 
THere's nothing to worry about. 
TDDE: I don't believe you- 
TDDM: Look, I told you there's nothing to worry 
about. Okay, I'll stop asking questions. 
We'll just stay here once again, like every 
other night, until our self-appointed shift 
is over, get a drink or two and then walk 
home, as ignorant as before. How's that 
sound? 
TDDE: Boring. I mean it's always been boring 
but you made it sound perhaps even more 
boring than it really is. 
TDDM: So you are curious about this issue? 
TDDE: What issue? 
TDDM: The sanity of The Master, you nitwit! 
TDDE: Yeah, I heard stuff, of course, but 
hey, I work here and see for yourself, 
he's just a little kid! 
TDDM: Are you sure about that TDDE? Are you 
absolutely sure? 
TDDE: In a mathematical sense, you mean? 
TDDM: Okay, if you want it that way. 
TDDE: Okay, then, well, we are dealing with 
physical space here which can be defined 
here largely in terms of real variables. 
You're there, I'm here. The containment 
tank is over there. I'm a bit taller than 
you, you're slightly fatter. If you want 
measurements on that, that's easily done. 
Here, I'll walk across the floor, ten 
paces to the containment tank. Make it 
very, very simple for you - and HEY! 
THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!! 
TDDM: Hm, what doesn't make any sense, TDDE 
old boy? 
TDDE: He's not a child, he's hundreds of years 
old, completely decrepit!! Yech!! 
TDDM: Ah, the paradox! 
TDDE: What???? That doesn't make any sense!! 
TDDM: You saw the paradox. Very good, most 
people don't ever see it in a lifetime 
of observation. Congratulations, my young 
friend, I think you have a very bright 
future. 
TDDE: But this is INSANE! 
TDDM: Perhaps... 
TDDE: But this doesn't make any sense! Why, 
look two seconds ago I was pointing to 
a small child all curled up in a semi- 
foetal position -though one must say 
with a very, very intelligent expression 
on his little face - and the next second, 
he's a bloody disgusting old man! 
TDDM: Why don't you look again? 
TDDE: I'm afraid to. I don't want to lose ALL 
my marbles, would you? 
TDDM: I've been working here a long, long time, 
my friend. Much longer than you. So it's 
a moot point: I already lost them! But go 
on , look!! 
TDDE: (looks, after hesitation) NOW THAT'S 
SOMEBODY COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! THAT'S 
INSANE, COMPLETELY INSANE! AND THERE'S 
NO APPARATUS DOING THAT/?? 
TDDM: Correct. No tricks. But of course she 
IS completely insane, that's a little-known 
fact. Very good analysis. 
TDDE: Correct? The Master is insane? Then what 
are we doing HERE? 
TDDM: Making sure that the status quo is 
preserved. 
TDDE: What? 
TDDM: We're guarding the containment tank, that 
what we do. 
TDDE: But what's the point? Oh, this is 
Horrifying. The ruler of Our World is not 
only separated from us, but is INSANE? 
TDDM: Well, either he is insane or we are. 
Maybe that would be a better formulation 
of the dilemma. 
TDDE: WHAT dilemma? Things are completely 
clear, TDDM, you've made it all totally 
obvious. Our brilliant, advanced civilization 
has as it's very center an utter looney- 
tune..who manages to perform some excellent 
tricks of transubstantiation, well, at least 
of himself. 
TDDM: Herself.. 
TDDE: Herself? You're being ridiculous! Obviously 
it's a ---- oh. 
TDDM: Himself, herself, itself, themselves. 
Mere pronouns. As you can see, even while 
he is asleep, we really don't know what 
we're talking about. Which is why it is 
The Master and we are not. 
TDDE: Then let's change things, TDDM! Let's 
wake her up, get her out of this stupid 
stupid containment tank and have him figure 
out all our remaining problems! I mean, not 
that life is difficult on Pico, of course, 
which statement would be both untrue as 
well as slightly blasphemous, but think 
of all the progress we could make! 
TDDM: Aye, matie, that's the problem: all the 
progress! It would be ruinous to everybody. 
TDDE: You are giving me such a headache TDDM!! 
You are really responsible for so much 
suffering this afternoon...and then this 
illogical - 
TDDM: Okay, you want the logic? Very well, then... 
TDDE: Yes, the logic, the facts, the major 
and minor factors, the dimensions, the 
sequence, yeah, THE LOGIC. 
TDDM: If we let The Master out of the tank 
everything would be over. Immediately, His 
Mastery would become The Norm, 
which would move all things in the 
universe towards fulfilling their 
potential. You wouldn't want that, 
would you? 
TDDE: Of course I would! I passed the Scholastic 
Aptitude Tests with flying colors. I went 
to a good college, and though I got 
a bit depressed there, I graduated. I even 
did graduate and postgraduate work, and 
some of that was not so bad. 
I'm no reactionary. I've spent some time in 
the progressive work and play zones 
I've even seen and aided the 
genesis of important new ideas. Beyond 
that, I also worked in the Mercy Havens 
for those who had inevitably been moderately 
hurt by these new ideas..which weren't 
all mine, in case you're thinking of 
making any accusations!!! Any accusations 
that I might be against Progress. 
TDDM: You haven't travelled much, TDDE, have 
you? Haven't thought much about the past, eh? 
TDDE: Of course not, I'm a modern Pican. That's 
all rubbish that we've outgrown. 
TDDM: Well, then, you'll recall the episode 
a couple of centuries back in galaxy 
WC-465 
TDDE: No! Who cares! 
TDDM: I do..The Master had tried a small 
experiment and let things rise to the level 
of their potential..It was disastrous.. 
TDDE: Why? That makes no sense. 
TDDM: Well, this was a very backward part of 
galaxy WC-465 , you understand and at first 
when they began to 'grow' as it were, things 
were relatively peaceful. But things 'evolved' 
so fast and they accumulated so much power 
they couldn't handle that they annihilated 
themselves completely. The only artificially 
created black hole in that area of the 
universe..horrible thought. I mean, you're 
the math person, are you a science man 
too? 
TDDE: Not really, I uh.prefer the more 
abstract stuff..not the applications 
TDDM: So you don't know much about black holes? 
TDDE: Well, only what is necessary to graduate, 
TD-M..I guess I have my limitations. 
Stuff on paper..sorry. 
TDDM: Well, the black hole they created via 
their self-annihilation was thousands of 
miles across and had such a gravitational 
pull that matter was drawn in from all 
over at speeds of five million miles per 
hour... 
TDDE: Yech. 
TDDM: Yech is right. So The Master stays in 
his containment field. 
TDDE: WHy? 
TDDM: So that history does not repeat itself 
TDDE: But HE's not doing anything wrong! 
TDDM: That's totally true, of course. But 
WE WOULD. 
TDDE: I feel bad. He is a very beautiful.. 
um..SHE is a very beautiful...uh. 
TDDM: Yes, maybe even they are very beautiful. 
THe Master is very, very beautiful. SO much 
is obvious. Still, he stays. 
TDDE: But why doesn't he just get out? 
TDDM: Because he wants to stay..and he will 
stay there until there is someplace to go. 
Doesn't seem like there is any place for him 
to go, does it? But let's be optimistic, okay? 
.Maybe things will happen ..that we can't 
anticipate..Nobody knows everything, perhaps 
not even The Master. And between you and me, 
DON"T tell anybody I said that. 
TDDE: My lips are sealed..And maybe all of 
this is for the best. I didnt' know any of 
it...what about the rest.. 
TDDM: Well, I did promise you that I would 
tell you about the history of The Master. 
Are you interested? 
TDDE: Sure. 
TDDM: Look, we've talked a lot and it's time 
to go home. well almost. Okay. About fifty 
million years ago, there were a series 
of disastrous wars on Pico.. 
TDDE: 'Wars'? I dont' recognize the phrase, 
it seems so obsolete.. 
TDDM: Okay, millions of people killing millions of other people, is that clear enough? 
TDDE: Why? 
TDDM: Oh, why that's a very complicated question.. 
TDDE: Um, I remember now that when I was very 
very young and in school, they often said 
I should ask many many things but never 
'why?' when using that interrogative in 
relationship to The Everythingness of Pico. 
They said that that was very rude and 
very poor behavior.. 
TDDM: Well, do you know why? 
TDDE: Ouch! 
TDDM: Okay, just putting on my jacket here.. 
During this great war, billions of people 
died or were so traumatized by the wars 
raging about them that they felt as if 
they had indeed died themselves, although 
they certainly continued to function. 
You know, clean up the damage, ressurect 
the fallen structures, police the cities 
and educate the workforce, maintain some 
form of government..keep things stable, 
organized, clean, efficient, democractic, 
y'know. 
TDDE: TDDM, you're making this a very long 
story, TDDE. Do we have time for this? 
TDDM: Who knows? I just like telling stories. 
Makes me feel young again. Anyway, among 
these millions and billions of people there 
were just a few, most quite young, who 
somehow survived- 
TDDE: You mean who 'lived' through it? 
TDDM: No, I mean 'survived' through it. Very 
different matter. Unfortunately or not, 
this 'group', maybe of two or three hundred 
kids and young adults, were all insane. 
TDDE: Hm??? 
TDDM: Like The Master. All insane. He was, or 
is, one of them. 
TDDE: What about the others? 
TDDM: I don't know. Guess he's the only one 
that does know. I guess. 
TDDE: So I guess he was the best and brightest 
of the lot, the most talented, or, maybe 
the most cunning? Or the luckiest? 
TDDM: For all I know, he may be the stupidest 
and least talented, and least lucky. The 
very few scholars who ever wrote about the 
issue said that among all these children, 
he was not exceptional in any particularly 
deep way, but was 'in the right place at 
the right time.' 
TDDE: Maybe at the right place and the right 
time for us, but the poor fellow -uh, 
girl, whatever -he's in a tank. Not free 
to go anywhere. 
TDDM: But he does keep things going, doesn't he? 
TDDE: How do you know HE keeps things going? Maybe 
they just keep going on and on of their 
own accord and all of this is just an 
elaborate hoax. 
TDDM: Because we're still here.. 
TDDE: Which doesn't prove anything. 
TDDM: Well, I suppose nothing proves anything... 
TDDE: Ynow TDDM, you are getting on my nerves.. 
well I'm going now, gotta be off. Have things 
to do. Responsibilities to keep.. 
TDDM: Like what exactly? 
TDDE: Oh..same old, same old! 
TDDM: Okay, my friend, see you tomorrow night. 
Same old, same old to you too. 
TDDE: Same old, same old! 
TDDM: Good night. 

(shuts lights and locks the chambers of containment room. The Master wakes up momentarily and looks through the shadows, half-blinking, half-nodding, half- yawning, curling about himself, and saying under his breath statements for the benefit of nobody in particular and perhaps not even himself, still two-thirds or even more asleep : 'non habla muertos' ..'voudra 
pas encore mourrir'...'nichts jetzt tot' 
and, finally, 'Nicole..?.' 

The Pican Dialogue Part #4 (Final)
Paul Nachbar